On Monday morning I called the insurance company.
It was not the news we’d been hoping for.
In addition to owing $38,319, we also should owe $28,000 which I was told the insurance company had paid in error.
I was told I could appeal the $38,319 claim but that what would like happen is that the $28,000 payment would be retracted.
She said there aren’t any write-offs because the helicopter company is out-of-network despite being my son’s lifeline in between two in-network hospitals.
So I called the helicopter company back and asked about financial aid. She said they don’t offer any kind of assistance but if we could pay the bill in it’s entirety by 05/21/2012 they would drop it down to $31,400.
OR
We could pay $5,000 now. They would write $5,000 off. And we would pay $590/month every month for the next four years with no interest.
It sounded like a car commercial. “$590 a month for the next 4 years at 0% interest” J & I have never made monthly payments on anything in our lives. No car payments, or house payments, or even a cable bill.
The more I talked with the helicopter company employee, the more emotional I got. Not because of the money, but because as we talked I found myself mentally re-living this moment.
I felt sick and exhausted and simultaneously so thankful. I apologized to the lady and politely hung up. It was all I could do not to rush in and wake my precious sleeping baby. To feel the warmth of his skin, see the light in his eyes, feel his breath on my face, and most importantly listen to his tiny beating heart. Instead I chose to stay on the couch and trust, trust that even though he wasn’t safe in my arms, in this moment, he is safely in the hands of the one who held him the night I couldn’t.
These days I’m practicing trust in silly practical ways like this. It’s been months since this day but even still it takes self-discipline to not count his breaths all day long, to not pinch his toenails and watch for circulation, to believe that in my heart of hearts I will know when something is really wrong. Some days when I’m not intentionally trusting, I find my emotions spiraling out of control. Before I know it I’m frantically calling cardiologists and pediatricians and every friend I have with any medical experience. And then it turns out he’s just teething or has the teeny tiny beginnings of a teeny tiny cold. I have to practice letting go. It doesn’t come naturally for me as a mom but I believe it’s one of the best gifts I can give my children. You know the saying, “Roots to grow and wings to fly.”
Besides no little mighty man wants a mom whose constantly freaking out about his safety. :)
And ultimately, my anxiety in this area very quickly turns into sin.
Back to the If and the How.
Over the next few days I became frustrated and even a little panicked thinking about HOW we would pay this debt. J & I HATE being in debt and throughout our lives have gone to great lengths to avoid it. (beans and rice, anyone?)
However this is totally different - our son’s life is worth infinitely more than $38,000,000,000,000,000.00.
By Friday, I realized a funny thing. Throughout the week, I never once worried about IF the debt would get paid. Somehow I had complete confidence that the One whose always provided before would always do so again. I decided that since I wasn’t freaking out about the IF there was also no point in stressing over the HOW.
And then I read this,
Do not resist or run from the difficulties in your life. These problems are not random mistakes; they are hand-tailored blessings designed for your benefit and growth. Embrace all the circumstances that I allow in your life, trusting Me to bring good out of them. View problems as opportunities to rely more fully on Me.
When you start to feel stressed, let those feelings alert you to your need for me. Thus your needs become doorways to deep dependence on Me and increasing intimacy between us. Although self-sufficiency is acclaimed in the world, reliance on me produces abundant living in My kingdom. Thank Me for the difficulties in your life, since they provide protection from the idolatry of self-reliance.
-SY
Ouch. And Yay!